This week I have woken up twice to news of two famous people that have committed suicide. Today’s news of Anthony Bourdain hit me hard. I follow him on Instagram, and appreciated his views and his often blunt honestly. I felt like I understood and connected with his public appearance of who he was. Watching his IG stories, his music choices and perspective always felt perfect with my moods.
I can’t tell you where I stand on suicide. I know what it feels like to be a child left behind by a biological parent that killed himself. I also know what it feels like to be in the mind set of actually attempting to kill myself. I also know how I feel about assisted suicide with terminal illness.
I know no one’s life is easy yet as I sit here wiping away tears I can’t explain, I wonder really what are my chances? If the rich and famous can’t beat the need to commit suicide where thy have more ability to resources and doctors then I how am I going to do it?
I can tell you that being someone who has attempted; personally seeing postings of the suicide hotline number on Facebook does not help me or make me want to call. I’ve had that number close by my side for years. I actually have it as a contact in my cell phone even. I have never called in to the hotline. I’ve had many times most might think it would be the time to call. I as a person don’t actually want to die; so I’ve tried to find help in the past but I don’t want to talk to a stranger that I called some hotline to get. I want the people that I care about around me. I want to feel seen as a person at that time, reminded that I have value to those I care about. I know I’m not an academy award winning actress is my paint really not able to be seen by the people that often see me every day? For me id say its the pain and burden I feel that pressure me the most to jump off the parking garage or take all my meds in one giant swallow. I don’t feel the words from a stranger telling me the future is worth it will change my mind. I want to know, that know no matter who I am that day clinically depressed, happy, sad, upset, negative or bitchy people won’t think I’m not worth their time or that my voice doesn’t count. That I’m not a disappointment to them. That I don’t make their life worse. Now please don’t take my view as the suicide hotline number as terrible, I’m not saying that. The phone number is a great resource to many people and has saved lives. It’s a good tool to have in the tool box. Like I said it’s in my phone. I’m just saying id be more willing to call it if I had a friend holding my hand while I dialed the number. Knowing that after I would talk with the wonderful volunteer that would answer my call, I would have a friend by my side when I hung up the phone. I just can’t see the point of calling a stranger who is going to tell me I’m not alone and it will get better when in fact I am alone or lost and knowing that when I hang up the phone that person won’t be there anymore. That to me would feel like another slap in the face.
I’m about to be discharged from my “Keeper” my phycologist that I have been seeing for over nine years, and most of those nine years were weekly visits. I have faced miscarriage, death, abuse, divorce, home robbery, job lose, friendships lost along the way. Most people experience this, even far worst things then I have and don’t have the urge to kill themselves. So why do I have such a strong urge to do it? Why do I feel like a burden to everyone or annoying to people. Out of place. So alone. I love life. I try to live it to the fullest. Maybe it’s I have a strong personality. I feel that my brutal honestly of how I feel is often misunderstood as negativity thus people push me away.
Look at the most recent people that have committed suicide. They are seen as strong, successful, creative, loud life loving people. The lost life’s were not weak. They were not selfish. I don’t see suicide as being selfish. We are literally in most cases taking our own life not to trouble our family friends anymore. I often feel people would have a better life if I wasn’t around, that my presence annoys them. When I text someone just to see how there day is going and I don’t get a response I feel that I bother them or they can’t stand me and that’s why they don’t respond. Deep down it feels true but mentally I know it most likely isn’t true. I wonder if that in the end they were just feeling alone, a burden or judged when they opened up and allowed someone to see them in all their honestly. Something I feel this way often and it is very heavy at times. Look at me for an example I may voice my worries my concerns loudly and not hindered because I am honest with how I feel. I may expect the worst but I love when things end up being well off even if that’s not what I think or expect to happen. I prepare for the worst as that’s what my life experiences have taught me. What I have learned from other people though is to stop sharing my thoughts or only answer yes no answers. When I think negative or voice a negative concern that doesn’t mean I don’t hope quietly for the best. I share the negative because I don’t want myself or friends to get blindsided or hurt. I share negative because honestly that might be what I’m really feeling. I don’t want friends to feel or have to go though the same issues I have. Trust me I don’t want people to feel pain. I feel it daily at times and its horrible. I just want them to be prepared for the worst and pleasantly happy when It doesn’t happen.
Sadly I’ve learned that there are very few people that can handle my personality. They toss me aside if they don’t like what I say. Is it fair to say that a lot of people are selfish now days. I include myself in this comment. It’s so easy for a person to say you’re to negative and walk away from a person thinking of only their own feelings of what they want. The leave the people that care about them behind or look though them and run to those that tell them what they want to hear. Instead of saying ok that’s your opinion, fair enough, this is mine we just don’t agree and still be friends.
We as people never look at how we ourselves treat people in general anymore. There is a way to treat a person like a real life human with feelings. You can even do this if you hate them or can no longer healthy to have a relationship without creating more negativity in the world. How give them a genuine hello when you see them can’t say hello at least smile. I believe that it is here in common human courtesy is were we are lacking as a group. I feel that it’s this lack of compassion for others that is leading to higher suicide rate. We are too caught up in a society that thinks if it doesn’t make “ME” happy I don’t need to worry about it or we stick it under the category of I’m taking care of me so it’s ok and its what I should be doing. We feel that if we don’t like someone we can treat them with disrespect because I don’t care what they think about me. It’s this I’m doing what’s best for me misunderstanding that is shutting us and people out. We are two quick to judge people online about the things they share, to quick to call someone negative without looking at how are own behavior effects others. While its great practice to put yourself first, be happy doing things to stay mentally healthy, even if it means cutting someone toxic out of your life. I support all of that but we have to also ask is it an ok practice to hurt or disrespect people in the process of taking care of us? Is it ok to ignore the real fact that everyone good or bad in your eyes also have feelings and your actions causes and effect of either good or bad?
I have started a thing at my home called porch time. I post on Facebook that my porch is open meaning feel free to stop by chat and hang out. It’s a strategy I’ve created and am working on for after my discharge from therapy. During porch time I have time to self reflect or have time to share conversations and friendship with anyone that wants to stop by. It’s just meant to be time shared with anyone with no expectations or rules. I’ve had a lot of porch time alone too, to reflect and I have also had some amazing company on my porch where I have had chance to hear other peoples fears, happiness and thoughts.
During my most recent porch time I reflected on a friend who recently told me I’m to negative to talk to, share with. Common theme lately in reasons people say they stop hanging out with me. For the record the only ones that had said that their lives where in the mist of crisis. That was a pretty big stab to hear said about you from anyone even if your a normal functioning human with little to no depression. Now I ask you to take a moment and think about you as if you are a person that fights daily to not take your own life. You are working hard to show up daily, you open yourself up to people the best you can still though it all, Then a person you care about says you’re to negative. How would you feel? Remember you are suicidal and this person might not know what goes on in your head maybe they do. That comment could be fatal or almost fatal. Maybe this is a person who you have tried to be there for in some of her on hard times. My friend said this to me. a friend I had open my house to, allowed myself to be in situations that trigger my PTSD for a week (I take responsibility for this as it was my choice) so she wouldn’t be alone in some hard situations. This person stopping sharing in our friendship because she said I was to negative. Cut me out stopped taking to me and even called me a name. I’ve known this person for years I can easily say there hasn’t been one week where she has not complained about a coworker, her husband, how stupid people to me. She has pushed negativity and drama every week claiming its everyone else fault. I stayed there as her friend stuck up for. The lean on me friend we all like to be. I stayed present and listened because I understood it. Life is hard. It’s a pendulum of events of extreme ups and downs. In honesty she is actually one of the most negative energy carrying people I have ever met. She is just the kind of person that I believe maybe needs friendship the most. I know I’m negative it’s something I work on. It’s a part of the depression that I fight daily. That I look at head on and fight and work on each day. That day when she came to me to talk because I had not been talking to her. A direct effect of her own actions of over a month I choose to be just a coworker that day and no longer a friend. It was hard and yes I’m going to carry a bit of sadness over that choice. I had tried to say multiples time that I was done talking about it but she kept pushing. It was frustrating for me as I could tell that she had little to none awareness of her own actions and behaviors. I tried my best not to hurt her feelings. Maybe I did maybe I didn’t. I just personally at that time and after a month of feeling the effects of her own choices and behaviors I just felt that she would be better off with out me in her life especially since she took the steps to stop talking to me and that she felt she couldn’t share anything personal with me. If a person feels like they can’t trust to share things about their life can you call them a friend? The person deep in me immediately took what she said, heard her words and understood it as I was a burden to her, she no longer trust to share in our friendship. That’s not a person I want to be to someone. The fact she couldn’t tell me straight up to my face validated my nonsense fear that I’m not worth much to people. She just pulled away. It wasn’t till I had accepted her behavior and stopped adding by not investing as much effort was when it suddenly mattered to her. Why? Is it because when you finally realize your not needed or wanted it stings? You feel the pain now. How would this affect someone that is on the edge of choice life or death?
Now on my porch during my porch time I tried to figure out is there a way to take care of me and delicately balance a friendship like this or do I chose to take disrespect to “be there for someone” I know is going though a lot. I caught myself thinking “damn we as humans have so much on our plates now days, so much stress and needs that it feels hard to just be caring to another person.” Knowing the person I’m sure she will just chose to ignore me on thinking that I’m in the wrong. I’ll fight my internal talk that I’m a horrible person but feel like I’m mentally adding another check mark or two to the tally of me wanting to give up on this life and ever feeling understood. After this session I came started looking from something to help me negotiate my thoughts, actions and feelings and I came across this quote.
“Everyone of us needs to show how much we care for each other and, in the process, care for ourselves.” — Princess Diana
That’s an amazing quote by Princess Diana. If only there were instructions on how to do just that. I do better with instructions. If we want to stop losing amazing people to suicide we need to start living lives that show everyone that we care about them without losing the goal of taking care of ourselves as well. Princess Diana was my role model from a very young age. She always seemed strong and beautiful to me. I would sometimes imagine that she was my mother. I checked out her biography from the library all the time and would flip though its pages. It’s been long rumored that she herself attempted suicide. She was so strong to me and seemed to love life, was giving and loved people.
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” -Robin Williams
How many times have you sat in a room full or friends and family yet you felt so very alone and misunderstood? Is it happening more and more now? Are people more interested in what’s on their phone then who is right there with time in the moment?
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy.” -Robin Williams
The second quote here from Robin Williams. It’s kind of powerful don’t you think? How many people did he make happy with his jokes, movies, and giving?
“I know what I want. I want it all. I want to try everything once.” -Anthony Bourdain
Does this quote here not sound like someone that loved living, appreciated everything out there to experience?
As I close I ask. Take a moment think of how you treat people you come in contact with. All people, family, strangers, former friends. How do you think of them before during and after they are not around you. Find a positive and try to share that with them the next time you see them.
If you are questioning suicide I know you must be in an obscene amount of pain. I’m sure your feelings are valid, your pain is real. You are real too. Someone sees you even if you don’t see them seeing you yet. You mean more then you may ever know to that someone. You might not have even met that person yet that you will mean so much too. You do bring a positive to the world without evening trying. You are good even if you make mistakes or even if another person can’t see it. Your a positive just by being here, just by breathing. I think that’s hard for us to see though are thick fog of depression. The fog makes that magic that’s hidden in us are to feel, see, or find. . I can’t say what will happen in your future, I can’t promise you would enjoy it either but I also can’t say you won’t. Ponder that, you might very well enjoy your future. This is strictly my opinion/suggestion and you can do with it as you want. Hear me out for just a minute longer. Let me suggest that you make it a goal to wake up tomorrow and accept that you are you. There is not one other person that is like you and their is no one that can replace you. Now why not let yourself see what you can bring to you and only you tomorrow. You are unique and it would be sad to not experience all that you are meant to don’t you think. If your reading that and you think bullshit that’s ok to. Try calling a friend or if you hate your friends right now call the suicide hotline number and tell them why you hate your family or friends or people. It’s ok to have feelings. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok ! Accept that feeling and now breath. Now that you acknowledged it move on to the next hour. Hate that idea too? Feel free to comment below what you want to tell everyone but don’t know how. I’ll read it and then read it again. I would love to read your thoughts and words. Here is a safe place to share.
I’m not a doctor. These are just my thoughts coming out of my head. I personally have found support by having a great counselor that I trust to vomit my enteral dark secrets and concerns too. That’s what helps me. I have also taken medication to get though hard patches. I have admitted myself to a hospital for help when I was weak and unable to stay strong for myself to take care of me. I love life even when I’m feeling alone, ugly, fat, misunderstood, a failure and disgusted with humans. I love life when I’m pissed and angry, when I want someone to hurt as much as I do. I am a person, I am seen and I try my hardest to wake up the next day and see what I was meant to experience. I just more then anything want to feel valued as a person or the very least seen.
As always thanks for reading my blog.